Things I would say to you if I could
I've remade myself since you left. I quit my job, moved, changed schools, dyed and cut my hair and started going by my full name. It's like I had to do everything I could to become a different person now that you're gone. It's odd really. It's been seven months and you still pop up in my head all the time. I never shared that level of intimacy with anyone before and its like there is a hole in my soul where you used to be. I don't hate you for what you did. It's odd, but I'm proud of you. If this is really who you choose to be and what you want and what is going to make you happy, then take it and run with it. I told you that my greatest wish was for you to be happy and I meant that. I just hope that you aren't pretending to be something that you're not out of fear or guilt. You told me once that you admired me because of my purity of life. I wish I could give some of that to you. You know I hated music for a long time after you left. It reminded me too much of you, but that slowly went away and I began to reclaim songs. 'Us' will always remind me of you, but there are others that tell our story. If you've never heard anything from the musical Chess, you need to listen to it. 'Nobody's on Nobody's Side' and 'I Know Him So Well' are both my songs, but I think the one that has been hitting home the most for me lately is 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Miserables. You were there during the summer and made every moment a dream, you know I almost didn't go to Washington on purpose because I wanted to spend more time with you? I woke up and turned off my alarm clock cause I didn't want to leave. But you were gone when autumn came, and yes, I do still dream you'll come to me and that we will live the years together, but I'm learning the cruel realities of life that there are some dreams that cannot be, and sometimes we cannot weather the storms. Life killed my dream, but I don't blame you for that. You gave me memories. Painful, beautiful memories that I will always treasure. That was the best summer of my life; the summer of the 1,000 paper cranes. You know people think I'm ridiculous for doing that, but I meant what I said and I'm glad I did it. I just hope you hang them proudly. I hope they aren't buried in a bag somewhere or thrown away. I would want them back if that was the case. They are a symbol of hope and love, even if that love must be unrequited. They also are said to bring luck and long life. It's been quite the journey, seven months later and you still won't leave my mind. You know, you're the only real person I've dated. I miss you. But I understand why you left. I don't like that reason and I don't like that school, but I'm happy you are getting the education that you want and I am happy that you are enjoying it. Hearts break sometimes, ever so quietly. Life kills our dreams, but we keep on living.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Being Gay in a Mormon World
I grew up in the LDS church and there are many aspects of it that I believe strongly in, but as I struggled with my sexuality and identity I realized that I had some qualms with the church and these have unfortunately caused me to become in active. In the search for my identity, I developed issues with all organized religions, not just the LDS church. I consider myself a spiritual person, but not a religious one. My qualms with the church mainly were how I was treated. People I had known for years suddenly stopped talking to me, I was a source of gossip and scandal. I didn't feel welcome anymore so I left, but I still retained my sense of spirituality. To me reading a book, drawing, playing music, or walking in nature brings me peace and comfort.
But I live currently in a world where being who I am is not socially acceptable, and in many ways have become a social pariah. Being gay is not who I am, but it is an important part of me. I don't feel like it is something that I can control or change like many heterosexual, well-meaning individuals do - I've tried. I spent years trying to be a heterosexual man and during that time I tried to kill myself twice and was miserable the entire time. The truth sets us free, so that is why I choose to just be who I am. I am Matthew Limb. I'm a History and English major at Weber State University who is flirting with the idea of doing a triple major and adding Visual Communications and Design, I like to read and draw, and I also like to cook. My room and bed are usually moderately messy, but it makes me feel comfortable that way. I have a cat whom I adore and think the world of, I love classical music and play the oboe, I love color, and I collect stuffed animals. I'm also gay. Being gay isn't who I am, but it is a part of me. I get tired of the gay jokes and references I get when I am around people, a constant reminder that I am the other. I don't mind being different, in fact I relish in the difference; variety is the spice of life, the color in a black and white world. But I feel those references cause other people around me to view me in just that aspect: the gay kid.
I have two mottos in life: "Life is a Daring Adventure, or Nothing," and "Be True to Thine Own Self." I've done some pretty gutsy, some would say stupid, things in my life. I came out in high school, I moved to California at the age of 18, and I try to be as honest as possible with people. Being gay isn't something that I advertise, but if someone is going to ask me, I'm going to tell them. I need to be true to who I am. But I think some people have trouble seeing past that part of who I am to realize there is a person behind that. I had a friend in high school, we will call him Alan because I didn't know any Alan's in high school. We were like two peas in a pod, then I came out and he quit talking to me and cut off all communication. I felt like the world stopped spinning. I became withdrawn, depressed, and inconsolable. Being a teenager, I thought it was the end of the world. The social butterfly that I used to be died that day, and months later, like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes and rebuilt myself. I think humans are a lot like phoenixes. We are beautiful creatures who have bursts of sadness, anger, creativity, hurt, passion and then we rebuild ourselves and the cycle continues. Life goes on.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm a bit blue. A bit lonely and I'm trying to make friends, something that I have never been very good at. I chalk it up to a messed up childhood in which social skills never fully developed. And I'm writing this because I don't believe my family understands where I am coming from. Imagine if you will that it is around Valentine's Day and you see posters everywhere advertising a social dance. On these posters are couples dancing, they are of course a male and a female together. These images reject who you are as a gay person. They don't validate that it is okay to be you. Images like this are everywhere, advertisements, greeting cards, etc. But they are more potent in Mormon culture. You hear constantly about things the prophet said, or choosing the right, and how being gay is wrong. My brother's girlfriend comes over to our house and hangs out with my family, she stays for Sunday dinner and everything is as happy as can be. What would happen if I were to bring a boyfriend home? Would my family treat him the same as they do her? Would they be comfortable with it. I believe they would try because they love me, but I don't believe that they would approve of the relationship or the lifestyle. How would you feel if no one you loved gave you permission to be who you are? What if no one told you it was okay to just be you? A lot of the time I want to leave this place and go away somewhere that is more accepting, where there are people like me who will understand. My family tries to understand I think and the very few friends I have try to understand as well, but I don't think anyone other than a gay person can understand what it is like to be a homosexual in a heterosexual world.
I am me. Being gay is just an aspect of my person, it isn't who I am. I don't eat gay breakfast, or drive a gay car, or go to gay school, or sleep in a gay bed. I'm a human being. They say it gets better as you get older, that there is hope. I just wish people would accept me and view me as Matthew Limb, a person who has talents and qualities both good and bad, not Matthew Limb a gay kid. I'd like to make friends who could be a positive influence in my life, and who knows maybe I could teach them a thing or two myself, but I feel like that stigma is in the way. It stops the chance. Friendship is a risk that we take. That's my rant for the night.
-Matt
I grew up in the LDS church and there are many aspects of it that I believe strongly in, but as I struggled with my sexuality and identity I realized that I had some qualms with the church and these have unfortunately caused me to become in active. In the search for my identity, I developed issues with all organized religions, not just the LDS church. I consider myself a spiritual person, but not a religious one. My qualms with the church mainly were how I was treated. People I had known for years suddenly stopped talking to me, I was a source of gossip and scandal. I didn't feel welcome anymore so I left, but I still retained my sense of spirituality. To me reading a book, drawing, playing music, or walking in nature brings me peace and comfort.
But I live currently in a world where being who I am is not socially acceptable, and in many ways have become a social pariah. Being gay is not who I am, but it is an important part of me. I don't feel like it is something that I can control or change like many heterosexual, well-meaning individuals do - I've tried. I spent years trying to be a heterosexual man and during that time I tried to kill myself twice and was miserable the entire time. The truth sets us free, so that is why I choose to just be who I am. I am Matthew Limb. I'm a History and English major at Weber State University who is flirting with the idea of doing a triple major and adding Visual Communications and Design, I like to read and draw, and I also like to cook. My room and bed are usually moderately messy, but it makes me feel comfortable that way. I have a cat whom I adore and think the world of, I love classical music and play the oboe, I love color, and I collect stuffed animals. I'm also gay. Being gay isn't who I am, but it is a part of me. I get tired of the gay jokes and references I get when I am around people, a constant reminder that I am the other. I don't mind being different, in fact I relish in the difference; variety is the spice of life, the color in a black and white world. But I feel those references cause other people around me to view me in just that aspect: the gay kid.
I have two mottos in life: "Life is a Daring Adventure, or Nothing," and "Be True to Thine Own Self." I've done some pretty gutsy, some would say stupid, things in my life. I came out in high school, I moved to California at the age of 18, and I try to be as honest as possible with people. Being gay isn't something that I advertise, but if someone is going to ask me, I'm going to tell them. I need to be true to who I am. But I think some people have trouble seeing past that part of who I am to realize there is a person behind that. I had a friend in high school, we will call him Alan because I didn't know any Alan's in high school. We were like two peas in a pod, then I came out and he quit talking to me and cut off all communication. I felt like the world stopped spinning. I became withdrawn, depressed, and inconsolable. Being a teenager, I thought it was the end of the world. The social butterfly that I used to be died that day, and months later, like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes and rebuilt myself. I think humans are a lot like phoenixes. We are beautiful creatures who have bursts of sadness, anger, creativity, hurt, passion and then we rebuild ourselves and the cycle continues. Life goes on.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm a bit blue. A bit lonely and I'm trying to make friends, something that I have never been very good at. I chalk it up to a messed up childhood in which social skills never fully developed. And I'm writing this because I don't believe my family understands where I am coming from. Imagine if you will that it is around Valentine's Day and you see posters everywhere advertising a social dance. On these posters are couples dancing, they are of course a male and a female together. These images reject who you are as a gay person. They don't validate that it is okay to be you. Images like this are everywhere, advertisements, greeting cards, etc. But they are more potent in Mormon culture. You hear constantly about things the prophet said, or choosing the right, and how being gay is wrong. My brother's girlfriend comes over to our house and hangs out with my family, she stays for Sunday dinner and everything is as happy as can be. What would happen if I were to bring a boyfriend home? Would my family treat him the same as they do her? Would they be comfortable with it. I believe they would try because they love me, but I don't believe that they would approve of the relationship or the lifestyle. How would you feel if no one you loved gave you permission to be who you are? What if no one told you it was okay to just be you? A lot of the time I want to leave this place and go away somewhere that is more accepting, where there are people like me who will understand. My family tries to understand I think and the very few friends I have try to understand as well, but I don't think anyone other than a gay person can understand what it is like to be a homosexual in a heterosexual world.
I am me. Being gay is just an aspect of my person, it isn't who I am. I don't eat gay breakfast, or drive a gay car, or go to gay school, or sleep in a gay bed. I'm a human being. They say it gets better as you get older, that there is hope. I just wish people would accept me and view me as Matthew Limb, a person who has talents and qualities both good and bad, not Matthew Limb a gay kid. I'd like to make friends who could be a positive influence in my life, and who knows maybe I could teach them a thing or two myself, but I feel like that stigma is in the way. It stops the chance. Friendship is a risk that we take. That's my rant for the night.
-Matt
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)