Things I would say to you if I could

I've remade myself since you left. I quit my job, moved, changed schools, dyed and cut my hair and started going by my full name. It's like I had to do everything I could to become a different person now that you're gone. It's odd really. It's been seven months and you still pop up in my head all the time. I never shared that level of intimacy with anyone before and its like there is a hole in my soul where you used to be. I don't hate you for what you did. It's odd, but I'm proud of you. If this is really who you choose to be and what you want and what is going to make you happy, then take it and run with it. I told you that my greatest wish was for you to be happy and I meant that. I just hope that you aren't pretending to be something that you're not out of fear or guilt. You told me once that you admired me because of my purity of life. I wish I could give some of that to you. You know I hated music for a long time after you left. It reminded me too much of you, but that slowly went away and I began to reclaim songs. 'Us' will always remind me of you, but there are others that tell our story. If you've never heard anything from the musical Chess, you need to listen to it. 'Nobody's on Nobody's Side' and 'I Know Him So Well' are both my songs, but I think the one that has been hitting home the most for me lately is 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Miserables. You were there during the summer and made every moment a dream, you know I almost didn't go to Washington on purpose because I wanted to spend more time with you? I woke up and turned off my alarm clock cause I didn't want to leave. But you were gone when autumn came, and yes, I do still dream you'll come to me and that we will live the years together, but I'm learning the cruel realities of life that there are some dreams that cannot be, and sometimes we cannot weather the storms. Life killed my dream, but I don't blame you for that. You gave me memories. Painful, beautiful memories that I will always treasure. That was the best summer of my life; the summer of the 1,000 paper cranes. You know people think I'm ridiculous for doing that, but I meant what I said and I'm glad I did it. I just hope you hang them proudly. I hope they aren't buried in a bag somewhere or thrown away. I would want them back if that was the case. They are a symbol of hope and love, even if that love must be unrequited. They also are said to bring luck and long life. It's been quite the journey, seven months later and you still won't leave my mind. You know, you're the only real person I've dated. I miss you. But I understand why you left. I don't like that reason and I don't like that school, but I'm happy you are getting the education that you want and I am happy that you are enjoying it. Hearts break sometimes, ever so quietly. Life kills our dreams, but we keep on living.