Being Gay in a Mormon World

I grew up in the LDS church and there are many aspects of it that I believe strongly in, but as I struggled with my sexuality and identity I realized that I had some qualms with the church and these have unfortunately caused me to become in active. In the search for my identity, I developed issues with all organized religions, not just the LDS church. I consider myself a spiritual person, but not a religious one. My qualms with the church mainly were how I was treated. People I had known for years suddenly stopped talking to me, I was a source of gossip and scandal. I didn't feel welcome anymore so I left, but I still retained my sense of spirituality. To me reading a book, drawing, playing music, or walking in nature brings me peace and comfort.

But I live currently in a world where being who I am is not socially acceptable, and in many ways have become a social pariah. Being gay is not who I am, but it is an important part of me. I don't feel like it is something that I can control or change like many heterosexual, well-meaning individuals do - I've tried. I spent years trying to be a heterosexual man and during that time I tried to kill myself twice and was miserable the entire time. The truth sets us free, so that is why I choose to just be who I am. I am Matthew Limb. I'm a History and English major at Weber State University who is flirting with the idea of doing a triple major and adding Visual Communications and Design, I like to read and draw, and I also like to cook. My room and bed are usually moderately messy, but it makes me feel comfortable that way. I have a cat whom I adore and think the world of, I love classical music and play the oboe, I love color, and I collect stuffed animals. I'm also gay. Being gay isn't who I am, but it is a part of me. I get tired of the gay jokes and references I get when I am around people, a constant reminder that I am the other. I don't mind being different, in fact I relish in the difference; variety is the spice of life, the color in a black and white world. But I feel those references cause other people around me to view me in just that aspect: the gay kid.

I have two mottos in life: "Life is a Daring Adventure, or Nothing," and "Be True to Thine Own Self." I've done some pretty gutsy, some would say stupid, things in my life. I came out in high school, I moved to California at the age of 18, and I try to be as honest as possible with people. Being gay isn't something that I advertise, but if someone is going to ask me, I'm going to tell them. I need to be true to who I am. But I think some people have trouble seeing past that part of who I am to realize there is a person behind that. I had a friend in high school, we will call him Alan because I didn't know any Alan's in high school. We were like two peas in a pod, then I came out and he quit talking to me and cut off all communication. I felt like the world stopped spinning. I became withdrawn, depressed, and inconsolable. Being a teenager, I thought it was the end of the world. The social butterfly that I used to be died that day, and months later, like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes and rebuilt myself. I think humans are a lot like phoenixes. We are beautiful creatures who have bursts of sadness, anger, creativity, hurt, passion and then we rebuild ourselves and the cycle continues. Life goes on.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm a bit blue. A bit lonely and I'm trying to make friends, something that I have never been very good at. I chalk it up to a messed up childhood in which social skills never fully developed. And I'm writing this because I don't believe my family understands where I am coming from. Imagine if you will that it is around Valentine's Day and you see posters everywhere advertising a social dance. On these posters are couples dancing, they are of course a male and a female together. These images reject who you are as a gay person. They don't validate that it is okay to be you. Images like this are everywhere, advertisements, greeting cards, etc. But they are more potent in Mormon culture. You hear constantly about things the prophet said, or choosing the right, and how being gay is wrong. My brother's girlfriend comes over to our house and hangs out with my family, she stays for Sunday dinner and everything is as happy as can be. What would happen if I were to bring a boyfriend home? Would my family treat him the same as they do her? Would they be comfortable with it. I believe they would try because they love me, but I don't believe that they would approve of the relationship or the lifestyle. How would you feel if no one you loved gave you permission to be who you are? What if no one told you it was okay to just be you? A lot of the time I want to leave this place and go away somewhere that is more accepting, where there are people like me who will understand. My family tries to understand I think and the very few friends I have try to understand as well, but I don't think anyone other than a gay person can understand what it is like to be a homosexual in a heterosexual world.

I am me. Being gay is just an aspect of my person, it isn't who I am. I don't eat gay breakfast, or drive a gay car, or go to gay school, or sleep in a gay bed. I'm a human being. They say it gets better as you get older, that there is hope. I just wish people would accept me and view me as Matthew Limb, a person who has talents and qualities both good and bad, not Matthew Limb a gay kid. I'd like to make friends who could be a positive influence in my life, and who knows maybe I could teach them a thing or two myself, but I feel like that stigma is in the way. It stops the chance. Friendship is a risk that we take. That's my rant for the night.

-Matt